As I speak in this post hear it like your conscience because I’m just a unit of a whole of which the rest of the world is a part, this means whatever I’m warned against and the punishment that comes with it, you are warned also. Whatever I’m commanded to do and rewards I’m promised, you are promised also. Here it goes; I must be of great importance to someone because there is a war going on, a fight over me. How long before I do something stupid again? These voices in my head keep messing with me. Is it this wrong, is that right… trying to bend what was written to fit my lifestyle. What if that, what if this… and adding a little bit of ‘buts’, but I’m nice, but it feels right… what on earth is going on! I am alright after a talk but I lose control when I toss myself back into the world. It’s these thoughts I struggle to tame, try to bring them under control. The almighty is there not pleased with what I become in that moment, just watching waiting for me to run back to get a bath, get washed off of these blemishes of mine. Another sin another excuse made yet I feel like I was created to know better. It won’t happen again; I can’t let any of it happen again!
What’s a brother to do, close your eyes tight scream “Father please not this, take this away I’m overwhelmed by it!”? Not a bad idea, but what I find useful is frequent prayers. It’s like food, three times a day. Or like a dose, prayer cures a lot. Us people of blunt memory may need a higher dosage of prayer because we forget our course and easily get back to our old ways. Then that evil voice challenges you and asks what was wrong with you before and you fail to find an answer.
It really makes me sick, I promise myself that I will get a hold of my thoughts and through Him be the director of my own life. I’m not alone that I know; I get assistance here and there, get saved by circumstances. I get misses, like a baby attempting to touch fire and it’s grabbed before it does so, and it cries because it still wants to play with fire unaware of the danger. In my case I just forget, I get consumed by certain feelings. I get ignorant; what’s the worst that could happen? But even unfavourable circumstances end up lifting me up in a rather unpredictable manner, you may call it coincidence but I’ve gathered enough knowledge to understand that there is no such thing. Things don’t happen unless something caused it to happen. That’s why really if you can’t see that all the things we can see come from the unseen, I won’t be lying if I said you are a fool.
I won’t promise (anyone but myself), no I won’t. Not to say I won’t do what I say I will do. Not to mean that I doubt myself to do those same things, but there’s someone who knows all. Its better not to promise and do what has to be done than to make a promise and break it. I have to admit that I have a problem, a battle to win. I will win simply because I can’t afford to lose. I shall overcome and become a master in this living. With God having my back nothing shall move me! So keep helping me God, this is Wyndago. So be it.
My dream is to be quoted some day, long after I’m gone, that way I’ll live forever in people’s minds, if not in their hearts. And if my wish is realized I hope they quote me to have said this: that if anything happens for a reason, then it’s for one reason only, that we should learn a lesson from that which has happened even if the lesson to be learned is that nothing happens for a reason, they just do. So that’s just what life has reduced me to- an obedient student. I don’t ask why, I just note the lesson and carry it along with me for the rest of my life hoping not to forget or fail to use it when need arises. I will not fail to apply the lessons I’ve learned on account of doubt, or because I think things will turn out differently this time. That will only take me back to square one only to start over again- to start by picking up the pieces and trying to create a platform on which to base my principles. Given, I’ll try to do certain things more than once to achieve the result that my heart desires, but each time I fail and I start anew, I will try it in a different way from which I tried and failed. So I learn.
I met a woman. She was beautiful, so beautiful. We talked, it was epic… but the sun came up and reality set in. I knew it was meant to be, me and her- a hook up made in heaven itself, cupid even used the sharpest arrow he could find. She said she liked me… just before she said we couldn’t see each other anymore. I don’t know why but she left and I never saw her again ever since. I asked myself why things had happened the way they did. Why did it happen then? Why did we meet the way we did? Ours was supposed to be fate! Then I stopped with the numerous questions and picked up my notepad, flipped it open and jotted down the lesson submissively- there is no such thing as fate, period. That’s just one example of tiny little lessons life’s taught me. Ever since I started archiving life’s lessons in my notepad things have changed, I live faster. It’s like a video game you’ve played a thousand times before. You know where to go to find what, when to jump and when to duck. I accomplish missions much quicker…. so I save time… sad thing is I end up wasting that saved time but anyway… It’s no big deal when ‘coincidences’ happen or when you start feeling those subtle emotions of ‘this must be right’, a couple of months down the line you are going to ask yourself what went wrong. Nothing is pre-written.
There is one thing I don’t understand with us human beings, why do we ask ‘why’ when it won’t change anything? A loved one passes on, we want to know why, and more often than not we seek for something or someone to blame it on. Why? (There I go, myself). You pick a dime on your way home and you think someone upstairs blessed you because you are broke, what about the poor guy who dropped that dime? When things don’t go the way you had planned you ask God what sin you’d committed to deserve what you are going through. We want to pin a reason to everything that happens, mostly the things that cause either happiness or sadness, does there have to be a hidden reason? Can’t it be simple like: you came across that dime because you happened to be there at that moment? Or maybe it can’t, maybe there is a reason behind every occurrence and that’s why I hang on to my notepad noting the things I see and experience. Nothing is definite so I have learned, which means there won’t be an end to my learning in this ultimate institution of learning called the world.